full circle magic: part 2
September 2017
The days are jam-packed full like the busiest city street & I do my best to balance everything - the nannying, the studies, my yoga practice, the writing, the poetry collection with an ever-moving publishing date. With the free access to photography cameras at Uni, my inner-child jumps up & down with eagerness & I begin to explore visual storytelling. I fall in love with it. I poor my heart into every class I have but I feel myself slipping slowly, burning a candle at all ends - throwing down an extra coffee or two here or there to keep working away at my ideas.
Getting up early enough that the air is still frosty & bitter-sweet on a Melbourne spring morning - not without rushed loved-up cuddles first - is becoming a ritual. Early morning journeys to Uni are slowly becoming my favourite two days of the week: Waking. Ever-so-slowly reaching out my hands to find him, savour him, love him for the tiniest while - a little while we make more than enough. Rolling out of bed. Chucking on something that screams yes to my soul (mainly flowing dresses or boyfriend jeans). Bouncing around like children as we scramble our things together for the day - for me it’s a big bag full of heavy shit [laptop, photography camera gear, notebooks, books that I probably don’t need to bring] + piles of leftover vegetables + hummus most days. Lugging that darn bag uphill to the train station until I break a sweat, soy flat-white safe in hand. Getting to rub shoulders with unhappy city workers on the train is always an interesting experience, it gives the whole morning more variety. & the arrival into Glenferrie station, the coolest station I have seen. Surrounded by cafes, trees, yummy things. As I walk through the outskirts of campus I start to savour it more - the trees, the people walking by, the grunge meets nature feeling. & I really don’t know deep down how much longer I will be here. I try to wipe it from my mind now but a sadness lingers, but it’s a nice kind of sadness - a deeper acceptance maybe. Just like everything else, it will all change. Nothing will ever be as I plan it to be - I try to remind myself. But it doesn’t stop my mind from resisting & telling a different story.
The end of September has rolled around in the blink of an eye & I am just starting to feel like my drive & passion is returning for my uni projects. My friend of 19 years moves across country from our hometown in Western Australia. It is a magic time of reminiscing, wines on rooftop bars, nature walks, Saturday markets & big change. An old lasting friendship re-blooms & turns anew over again, as it always does - full circle magic. She reminds me what a true friend is. Ever-patient with all my crazy creative ideas. Unconditionally loving. Present, and as strong / gentle as water all in the one.
My heart dances at the idea of pitching my own film project to my tutor. She is young & passionate about film & production. We are meant to be working in groups but in knowing I have a deeper story to tell, I want to challenge myself to make something moving. I deeply hope she trusts in me enough to allow me to branch away & do my own thing.
My wonderful friend Serah & I sit for coffee one hot Sunday afternoon & I ask her to join forces with me to make something. I tell her I will only have a few mere weeks to pull something together but that I would work my butt off to make something good that she would be proud to star in. “Yeh man, I am all in.” The words are magic to my ears but a little scary to my heart as I realise that it’s getting more real now, making it. I am accountable to someone else. It is no easy story to tell in the time-limit of just three minutes, so I get started on my concept & plan & start fresh & re-plan & just let it marinate in my heart. I cradle my idea delicately in knowing the concept is a very real unraveling of circumstances that have really changed me in the last two years. Once I have my friends on board - Roey on makeup, Tom on cinematography - I gather the courage to email my teacher & cross my fingers & toes that she will allow me to go ahead with it. While I wait for a response I google online University courses & find a course that I like the look of. My mind dazes off to a future that will be quieter, full of salt water & nature & yoga practice.
The minutes feel like hours as I await hopefully. Searching for universities & things that are ahead of their time makes me a little too anxious - there is no way to know any of it will really happen for a long while yet - so I put my laptop away. I pace around, eat banana, play with Sadie & finally I do the thing I have been avoiding: the most important thing I could ever do for myself. So I slow-walk toward my beautiful & bright bedroom. I roll out my yoga mat carefully, mindfully, with the most love I can muster. I almost feel like I need to apologise to my mat, to my practice, to myself - how have I not been showing up? How did I get so lost along the way? Not that long ago I was showing up every morning, no matter what, at 5am before the day demanded anything of me.
So finally I let time dissolve to allow things to just be as they are right now, to just let the world melt off my shoulders - even if it’s just a little bit. & as I open my eyes from shavasana, it’s just like angels have worked a magic spell. I open my heart to allow things to be as they are, & in the same heartbeat my laptop is reopened to an email that says “GO FOR IT!” I am elated & I am scared & I am most of all - ready. As I sit there, legs crossed in front of a big fat yes on my computer screen, I remember to celebrate this moment. A moment I have decided to step up & truly challenge myself. & in the next beat, I drift back to a time where I learnt so heavily to rely on someone else - who I adored & attached so much of myself into - to make my heart whispers a reality for me. He would shoot my films & take the photos & of course it was never quite right as all along I needed to learn to do it - to write, direct & edit my own film. & it’s time to step up.
October 2017
I begin to explore painting alongside planning & meeting with my tight-knit film crew of four. I have always been a horrible painter & drawer but with so many beautiful afternoons spent painting & doing crafts for fun with 4 year olds, it begins to leave an imprint inside me. A longing to play, explore, be a beginner with no rules or restrictions on myself like I have been hanging over my own head with my writing. Painting with my favourite music, copious amounts of tea, wearing old comfy clothes that are made new again with splatters of paint - it helps me to go into a space where I forget completely about me & all there is is the movements & swirling of the paint brushes. I fall in love with the process, of not-knowing how the painting will look when I start playing with all the different colours.
& I continue to spend four days a week with beautiful children who have my heart, savouring yet more impermanence in the most beautiful ways. The weeks fly by so quick. They teach me over & over & over again deep lessons in freedom & non-attachment. When ruining a painting is just as fun as making it, running around at the park being a crazy animal or a full-on superhero saving the day is no embarrassment, & when there is no hesitation to say how they feel & scream “I LOVE YOU” at the top of their lungs: the days feel full to the brim with miracles. There are very hard days too. When they are sick, in pain, tired I remain calm, loving, kind - no matter how it’s expressed on their end. The hardest bits are really my favourite part, where the silver linings lay silent. & I just keep savouring all the time I get to have with them, as they grow, adapt, change so quick. I never know when my time will be up. Nannies come & go & that’s just what happens.
After weeks of staying back at uni late planning & perfecting my film concept, set day rolls around in what feels like the blink of an eye. We are up hours before the sun rises. Serah lives just down the road so Roey & I drive down in her car to pick her up. The air has an extra chill to it than usual & my head thumps from a restless night checking things over in a half-dreamy state in my mind. On the road we have hot coffee & a wonderful conversation as raindrops start tapping gently down on the car. Roey couldn't be a better support / makeup artist / driver / wardrobe department. My heart flips around on itself as I worry about rain calling off the entire day - the only day we can all get together & make it. But I take some deep breaths, throw out any idea of a potential perfect sunrise shot & embrace the moody, cold weather.
We roll into our first location at first light. It's an old golf course turned dog park in the mountains. & my intuition pays off. I changed the locations last minute to scenery that was less 'breathtaking' in my mind, but more practical & close each other so we would save time. The location & lighting are perfect. There is no one else to be seen anywhere in site as it is so early. Also this place holds a special significance for the story I am telling in my heart. We set up a makeshift makeup & wardrobe department & Roey gets started on Serah's wonderful face as Tom (my cinematographer / awesome friend) & I walk around looking for the perfect spot to start shooting. Tom tells me he spent the entire night before working out the ronin I hired & he picked up (a pretty nifty camera stabiliser that makes the footage dreamy & smooth). I am so thankful for his dedication I could have burst out crying. The day flows & my heart is just on my sleeve the whole time. My body is in overdrive. I am bouncing my energy between directing (actor, cinematographer & our amazing assistant), checking the shots, choosing out clothes in the right colour scheme, & leading with my intuition with on-the-spot changes that have to be made. The experience is intense to say the least, but it feels so right. It's as if I am re-living the unfolding of circumstances that have completely changed me in the best of ways. & I have all my favourite people helping me make it. All contribute & invest such magic of their own into the day & concept. I had to learn a lot & go through a lot to be able to hold this project in my hands. It feels like one big magical full circle. When I arrive back home I am so excited I load all of the footage straight away onto my laptop. But my body is calling for rest & finally I give in to its callings & curl up with my little family in bed. I did it. It doesn't feel real. The most important part - the edit - is yet to come.
I am full up to the brim with all the things I love, but there is still not enough time left over to let changes integrate on a deeper level. I don't know how I am fitting so many facets into one life & surely a burn out is on it's way. Until then, uni semester is coming to a head & children need nurturing & play. & so it goes.
