dancing in the storm
December 2017
Leaving the boys I nanny for on Thursday afternoon wasn’t as emotional as I thought it would be. One of the biggest highlights of this year has been them. I love them so much I could explode. I am so thankful for what they - & all the children I am blessed to nurture & teach & care for - have taught me & opened in me this year. I guess the goodbyes had already happened before on the night of their 5th birthday when I brought over their presents & got to watch the unwrap not only mine but all of their presents. I had so much joy circling in my veins just watching them burst with happiness & excitement no matter what present awaited them under the carefully placed wrapping. Tears slipped their way out as the boys asked how many “darkbeds” there were until I would be back. I didn’t want to think about it. It was time for me to open a new chapter for a little while. It’s never easy leaving something that you have absolutely adored for the unknown. I tell myself it’s only for a little while but deep down I know I really can’t foresee what will unfold over the next few months.
As I am getting my things together to leave the boys & their beautiful home for the last time in a while, they go a bit crazy & pull on my arms & try stand on my feet as if to diverge my exit out the front door. They know I won’t be back for a while & it just shatters me. But my masks are up & I will see them again. I leave them one of Sadie's most-loved balls & tell them they can keep it while I am away. They beam like sunshine. & just as they soften me a little more & remind me to just allow things to be as they are, it’s time to go.
I bounce toward home where Matt & Sadie await for the road. My heart feels like it’s expanding a little more with each step as I allow all the things I have needed to feel for days wash over me. There is just so much to feel that it’s like I need a whole extra body to feel everything.
x
The drive up feels long but relaxed with our little family. Most of the drive there is a peaceful silence flooding through the car. I listen to Norah Jones on the legs I drive & it takes me back to childhood summer road trips. My mum & dad in the front of the old red four-wheel drive, us three kids in the back just watching the road move below us for hours on end as we head for Esperance, Western Australia. I feel warm when I think of them. Thursday night we decide to stop & stay in Goulburn. We find an old motel & we slyly sneak sadie in. We giggle as we poke our heads around corners to check for the all-clear. We plot & plan our way around to ensure no one spots her. We look at each other with sparkly eyes & crooked smiles & agree we would be the worst criminals ever. I can’t believe how bad & anxious I feel just doing this.
We get into our room & Sadie hates it right away. She is on guard through the night & Matt & I sleep with our eyes half-open, nervous of her barking & giving us away. We finally drift off & she barks at the sound of new motel-arrivals. We get only one hour sleep at the most & we giggle more at the fact that we probably would have got as much sleep as we did just driving through the night. As we creep out into the early sunrise light, Matt notices a security camera. We are such noggin heads - they probably saw the whole sneaky thing unfolding & found it quite entertaining.
x
As the hours slowly tick by on the road, the trees start getting more wonderfully dense & the butterflies start flying around in my stomach in excitement - I am about to discover my new home for the first time. I try not to expect anything but it’s hard not to. I breathe a little deeper & try to relax every bone in my body as we approach the coastline. & it’s hard to not be blown away as the views unfold before my eyes.
Crystal clear blue waters, hilly mountain ranges, wonderful 180 views of the coast - my breath is taken as Matt shows me the place he called home through late childhood. I am overwhelmed with one thousand and one different emotions as we walk up to the top of the lookout. The first emotion that swells in my heart space is pure wander & disbelief that this will be my home soon. & then the fear of the unknown creeps it’s little black claws in & tries to overwhelm me with silly little what-ifs. What if you can't find work you love? What if it doesn’t work out? What if it’s not what you’ve been imagining? What if it’s not right? I silence the voices quickly & remind myself that it’s normal to feel a little all over the place when there are new unknowns on the horizon. It’s probably more an indication that I am walking the right way than anything else. I love looking at fear in that way, as a little reminder that just I am just a few steps away from expanding & growing in new ways - ways I would have never even known if I hadn’t followed the call here.
& there are just so many things out of my control that I need to surrender over to the bigger plan in all of it. So I set an intention to myself to identify when I am getting to caught up in the how (mind, fear) & not focusing enough on the why (intuition, love, the place where magic happens.) I reach for Matt’s hand as we look out at the views & squeeze it tightly. I am not doing it alone, we are jumping into the complete unknown together.
x
We arrive on a hot afternoon in Sawtell New South Wales to our cosy little airbnb surrounded by trees. Matt’s dad pulls up soon after & it’s nice to see him again.
Our new home for the week is hugged by trees & air so thick & humid I feel like I could grasp it in a tight grip. I envision a week of spontaneous walks down to the beach, sunrises & sets with hands joined in planning, hearts swelled, excited, childlike. A week of muscles, bones, skin relaxing after the momentum of build up of what feels like a year-long striving run up, to be in this wonderful place where so much pain has unraveled in his lineage.
There is a feeling of bittersweet familiarity inside of me, yet an inner resistance that surfaces as we slowly unpack our bags & our dreams for the week ahead, our future here.
We decide on a swim. We follow the sun all the way down to the coastline. The moment my toes are filled with sand my heart wells up & whispers tales of home. I grew up here, by the ocean. I feel somehow closer to the shores of Western Australia where half of my heart still lay, my family. Flashes of summer sunsets with fish & chips on the beach, connecting the stars above our heads in imaginary pictures, telling stories of happiness & laughter all fill my body together. & then, a knowing. of what is truly possible for me, us. For our little babies who are already dancing their way through our lives in glimpses, our little angel guiders. I get images flooding through of her / them. They are real, in free form. It just isn't their time to come into physical form yet.
We are floating in the waves together. The sunshine speckles magic over their surface. Her force is more directed, powerful, emotional in her waters here than anywhere else I have experienced. She is churning, pulling us home. Sadie leaps around like an otter through the white wash. In this moment, this is home already.
& then the moment freezes. My gaze shifts & I see Matt's dad & his partner walking towards us over the sand. & just like that, I know the week wont be the holiday we envisioned. There is a storm brewing.
x
Christmas Eve can't come quick enough. There is still magic in the air but the week just passed full of blows to the heart has me saddened & low. I am disappointed deeply, not because it all wasn't falling the way we hoped - of coarse there was going to be turmoil, challenge & BIG universe tests to see if we were serious about creating our future here - but because of how much fear can be trapped inside of family & how much unneeded hurt needed to be dished out because of it.
I miss my family terribly. I allow Matt to be there for his dad however he needs in this time, but in it I can't help but feel so alone. I make tea, change the sheets, tidy around our little beach home & curl up in bed & call them. We cry together, & I vent. They are heartbroken for us.
& the phone call comes to Matt that tears us apart. Fearful screams of not being welcome rupture any hope of ever having a perfect outcome. Something has to give.
We walk with trembling legs - just one foot slowly in front of the other - down to the main strip to order some takeaway pizza. We were going to sit out & eat it but all we want is to go home & cry together, hand in hand. Sadie is extra loving & receptive, licking our faces & dropping her favourite stick-finds on our feet on the walk back.
The sky is churning & swelling for us. & just as we reach our shelter it bursts & the biggest storm I have witnessed in my life unfurls. We jump in the car & drive down to the beach front, roll our chairs back & watch as the light dances through the sky.
I am grieving for him, that it has to be this way. But it's magical to see him unfolding. Our union deepens right here & now in shelter of this little Toyota. I hold the space for him as he speaks his heart song & I fall just that bit more in love with all that is him as I just witness.
x
this storm is for us
can we just be the presence
at the centre point
of it?
this storm is for us
for all that we have been
& a shedding away
of all that we are not
remember who you are
& stay close to
that truth
no matter what
else you do
just stay close
you are so close
